A fear of flying.

I've had a bit of writers block for the past while in terms of what I should post about. Should I post about some nonsense that people don't care about but read anyway? No. Should I drone on about my problems to the world? Hell no. Should I write about work? Absolutely not (I've been there for the last six hours. Why would I want to relive it?). This post, my lovelies, is about my frustration in preparing to move to France for a whole year. Yep, you heard correctly. I'm off to France to study as part of my degree. I know you all think this might be thinking; Sure isn't that great? Living in France for a year. Well for some. These are all things I've heard when I've said I have to go to France. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely chuffed that I get to spend a year in the south of France. (Oh, the weather). But the organising is no walk in the park let me tell you. It's extremely costly too. How am I going to afford to eat? I've no idea, maybe the government's money will come in handy and buy me some bread. Who knows?

To say I was terrified about moving abroad for a whole year would be an understatement. Back in September it was grand, I mean it was a good 10 months away, no need to worry about it. But those months just seemed to creep up on my like a rain cloud on a summers day. Suddenly I was bombarded with decisions. Spain or France? Which city? Where will I live? How will I afford it? What airline? It. drove. me. crazy. I started to get anxious. I didn't know the answers to half these questions. I wanted to run and hide and come back when it was all sorted for me. I knew that this would never happen.

I had to make decisions though. (however bad I may be at it). So my destination for my Erasmus is Avignon, South of France. Is it the right decision? I guess I won't know 'til I get there. I leave Kilkenny  on the 29th of August. It isn't that far away. I'm excited, scared and sad all at the same time. It's a strange mix of emotions. I don't really know how I feel.

You never realise how much you've depended on people and things until you actually have to leave. I mean, it'll be strange not seeing my friends and family all the time. I can tell you right now that my friends are going to get extremely pissed off at me cause I will want to Skype all the time. I can see it now. I'm going to be homesick. This is a certainty. I'm going to miss my family. What will I do without the deep conversations with mam? Or the banter with the brothers? I'll feel so...empty.

I'll be back of course, as much as I can afford. I mean, I want to enjoy my year abroad but I also don't want to forget my roots. I don't want to lose contact. A lot can happen in a year. I have this ridiculous fear that I am/everybody else is going to change too much and I won't fit anymore. I won't know what to do with myself. Friends and family are such a central part of my life as is. What's it going to be like when we're in different countries?

It would be so easy for me to back out of this and just not go. I could back out tomorrow and it'd be all forgotten. But then I'd regret it in the future would I not? You always regret the things you didn't do. That's what I've heard anyway. There are so many reasons that could make me stay, some of them logical, some not so much. But I'm not a quitter. I'll go, I'll explore, I'll have adventures, I'll french it up a little. You never know, it could be the making of me. Or so my Mam says.

I'm not going to lie to you people. This is the most single terrifying adventure of my life to date and I'll miss everyone so much. No doubt it'll be wonderful. No doubt I'll meet great people and create life long memories. But in the end there's no place like home..

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.  - Mark Twain