Changing Tides

Okay I haven't posted in about a month. The reason being I was extremely busy getting things ready for France and then I was on holliers in Italy! So here I find myself sitting in a guest house (my actual house doesn't have electricity) in France. Where did the summer go eh? I was thinking the other day before we left Ireland how different I thought my life would be now. It's really amazing how your life can change in such a short space of time. I know for a fact that my life is far far different than it was this time last year. It's exciting and scary all at the same time, I think that applies to everything though. It's the uncertainty that scares us all a little bit. Don't deny it now just because you want to seem hardy or whatever, there's always that small part of us that would like to know how our future is going to pan out because lets face it, the dynamic of our lives changes each and every day. I mean if you think about it, really think about it, there are so many questions you could ask yourself that truly demonstrate the unpredictability of life. That person you swore you were going to marry one day? How often do you talk to them now? Maybe a lot, maybe not so much. But it's not the same right? What about that best friend that you had plans to travel the world with? I bet you only talk once or twice a year now. The classmates you once knew at school? You only catch up with most of them when you bump into them on the town or on nights out. Am I right? What did you always dream of becoming when you were little? Bet your aspirations have changed a great deal now, unless you're that small percentage that has had the same dream since they were five. All of these are pretty reasonable questions. They may seem harsh but they're not really. I guess it's just the way life goes. I mean, it's natural to lose contact with people as life goes on. And maybe it's lack of effort on your part or theirs, or both but it just happens. See, this was one of the fears I had about going on a year abroad, that I would lose a lot of people who are very close to me without either parties noticing it. But then I realised that if I make the effort with everybody that's not going to happen.

I mean of course I've lost contact with a lot of people over the years, not because we wanted it to happen, but because our lives were heading in different directions. It doesn't mean I don't still care, because I always care a great deal about people who have played a significant part in my life, it just means that we were at different wavelengths and grew apart.  Yes, it can be sad but if that's what was destined for us, so be it. Think about it a little. If you had kept in constant contact with every single person you once knew how would you ever fit new people into your life. No each person is the same. And that's what's so exciting about meeting new people. A breath of fresh air is what I like to call it. You'll always have the memories of times shared with previous friends and whatnot but it's also great to make new memories with new people. Just because you may not talk with them every day like you used to does not mean that you don't have a bond anymore. If anything it really shows who your true friends are. The ones who send the odd text or Facebook message, or the ones who'll stop to have a conversation on the street with you and it'll be like you never stopped talking in the first place, these are the people that will always be your friend, no matter how long you don't speak for, or if you both live in different parts of the world, or even if you don't see each other for a long time, they'll always be there. These are the ones to cherish.

This is what I've learned in the last few weeks, that you'll always have friends. No matter where you are or what you're doing they'll always be there. I mean you can never forget the memories you made with great people right? Make the effort to keep in contact with people, it doesn't have to be everyday or even every week, just as long as they know you're still there they'll be there. Life changes far to fast for any of us to take for granted the good people, don't let yourself down by ignoring the true ones while trying to impress the fake ones. The loss outweighs the gain, trust me.

A fear of flying.

I've had a bit of writers block for the past while in terms of what I should post about. Should I post about some nonsense that people don't care about but read anyway? No. Should I drone on about my problems to the world? Hell no. Should I write about work? Absolutely not (I've been there for the last six hours. Why would I want to relive it?). This post, my lovelies, is about my frustration in preparing to move to France for a whole year. Yep, you heard correctly. I'm off to France to study as part of my degree. I know you all think this might be thinking; Sure isn't that great? Living in France for a year. Well for some. These are all things I've heard when I've said I have to go to France. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely chuffed that I get to spend a year in the south of France. (Oh, the weather). But the organising is no walk in the park let me tell you. It's extremely costly too. How am I going to afford to eat? I've no idea, maybe the government's money will come in handy and buy me some bread. Who knows?

To say I was terrified about moving abroad for a whole year would be an understatement. Back in September it was grand, I mean it was a good 10 months away, no need to worry about it. But those months just seemed to creep up on my like a rain cloud on a summers day. Suddenly I was bombarded with decisions. Spain or France? Which city? Where will I live? How will I afford it? What airline? It. drove. me. crazy. I started to get anxious. I didn't know the answers to half these questions. I wanted to run and hide and come back when it was all sorted for me. I knew that this would never happen.

I had to make decisions though. (however bad I may be at it). So my destination for my Erasmus is Avignon, South of France. Is it the right decision? I guess I won't know 'til I get there. I leave Kilkenny  on the 29th of August. It isn't that far away. I'm excited, scared and sad all at the same time. It's a strange mix of emotions. I don't really know how I feel.

You never realise how much you've depended on people and things until you actually have to leave. I mean, it'll be strange not seeing my friends and family all the time. I can tell you right now that my friends are going to get extremely pissed off at me cause I will want to Skype all the time. I can see it now. I'm going to be homesick. This is a certainty. I'm going to miss my family. What will I do without the deep conversations with mam? Or the banter with the brothers? I'll feel so...empty.

I'll be back of course, as much as I can afford. I mean, I want to enjoy my year abroad but I also don't want to forget my roots. I don't want to lose contact. A lot can happen in a year. I have this ridiculous fear that I am/everybody else is going to change too much and I won't fit anymore. I won't know what to do with myself. Friends and family are such a central part of my life as is. What's it going to be like when we're in different countries?

It would be so easy for me to back out of this and just not go. I could back out tomorrow and it'd be all forgotten. But then I'd regret it in the future would I not? You always regret the things you didn't do. That's what I've heard anyway. There are so many reasons that could make me stay, some of them logical, some not so much. But I'm not a quitter. I'll go, I'll explore, I'll have adventures, I'll french it up a little. You never know, it could be the making of me. Or so my Mam says.

I'm not going to lie to you people. This is the most single terrifying adventure of my life to date and I'll miss everyone so much. No doubt it'll be wonderful. No doubt I'll meet great people and create life long memories. But in the end there's no place like home..

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.  - Mark Twain